For Every Heart that Beats

Grad School Student, Animal Lover, Hopeless Romantic, ESFP

I can’t help but think about how hard it is to lose a friend to death. I never thought that it would be something I’d understand, at least to the extent that I do at 27. Yes, of course everyone will experience loss at sometime in their life, but you always assume it’s going to be when you’re old. The wrinkly, white hair kind of old. I guess life never turns out how we expect to.

When I see someone younger than me losing a friend my heart only breaks all over again like it’s happening to me… but worse because it’s not to me. I know how it feels. I know how it feels to be completely hopeless, empty, hurt, heartbroken, sad, lost, and knowing there’s nothing we can do to bring that person back but cry our eyes and heart out. I remember uncontrollable sobbing and silent, still tears streaming down my face. For these experiences to be happening to someone who has yet to really have gone through much (not that at 27, I have either) is so sad to me. An 18 year old boy, who loses his best friend has to experience the pain of death before his first broken heart? Or college frat party hangover? Why can’t it be like slowly building a tolerance for the cold pool, inching in one stair at a time. Because life never turns out how we expect it to.

Obsessing Over: My new vacuumed sealed reusable water bottle by Thermos. It keeps my drink hot for 12 hours and cold for 24 (not kidding). Get one.

Working On: The same work project I have been trying to finish all morning (it’s Friday, give me a break).  

Thinking About: how I’m going to make my Halloween costume! Cookieee cookieee cookie!

Anticipating: Chile in December! Only one more flight to book (Santiago
àPunta Arenas) to get me to Patagonia on the second leg of my South American tour! Yipppeee!

Listening To: My Spotify playlist Hats & Boots (prepping for Stagecoach), more specifically “Springsteen” by Eric Church

Drinking: Water from my Thermos, but thinking about opening this pack of Apple Cider soon.

Wishing: For a positive change to just “happen.” I’ve been on and off in a rut and really just trying to make a new routine, but having a difficulty finding it. There have been a few big changes happening around me so hopefully I can just hang in there until the storm passes.

we are all oscillating between states of finding new things to be happy about in life and feeling utterly trapped by the monotony of the day-to-day. If the everyday becomes overwhelming (and it will at some point, it always will) there are a million things you can do to assuage it. But the first step is always taking action, is realizing that the things you think are ingrained in your life (your social circle, your job, your apartment, your hobbies, even your city) are as ready to be changed as you are willing to change them. The only thing that is sure not to help, however, is complaining about how stagnant your life is.
  • Ted: I used to believe in destiny. You know? I’d go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that’s been stuck in my head all week, and I'd think, “Wow, hey — maybe she’s the one.” Now I think, "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel."
  • Robin: You’ve just been focused on work.
  • Ted: No. It’s more than that. I’ve stopped believing. Not in some depressed, I’m-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It’s just, everyday, I think I believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I do about that, Scherbatsky?
  • Robin: You’re Ted Mosby. You start believing again.
  • Ted: In what? Destiny?
  • Robin: Chemistry. If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing.
  • Ted: What’s that?
  • Robin: Timing. But timing’s a bitch.


Get up, Get it together.